Chapter Twenty-one

“I really hope you can help me,” Tank replied to the voice on the other end of the phone, “I’m tryin’ to get my brother and I on some kinda therapy, and everyone’s tellin’ me to wait about a month… If we could wait that long I wouldn’t be tryin’ to get in now!”

Tank managed to calm himself enough to listen to the receptionist tied to the centre he’d contacted. He’d spotted the number while sifting through the phone book, and although his heart sank in disappointment at noting it was a mere charity-driven, drop-in service run by volunteers, by the time he decided to give them a ring he was at the end of his rope.

“Awesome,” he replied, smiling in his relief, “Thank you so much. See ya in a little while.”

Ripp had once more regressed into the subdued, child-like state he’d succumbed to before, quietly nestling into Johnny’s arms as he voiced random thoughts that ran through his mind. As before, Johnny remained in silence as he listened, holding Ripp close and letting him speak. His head rose at the sound of thundering footsteps on the stairs, his eyes resting on the cause as the muscular form quickly appeared into view.

“Come on you guys,” he ordered, “I found us somewhere.”

“Now?” Johnny asked.

“Yeah, it’s a drop-in place,” Tank explained, “We can go whenever, they just see you when they’re free.”

“Not experts though?”

“Couldn’t get any,” Tank replied with a disheartened look, “I’m past carin’ though, so long as someone’ll talk to us, you know?”

“Yeah,” Johnny agreed, tapping Ripp’s leg as he pulled them to their feet. “Come on babes, let’s go.”

For someone who was usually outspoken and sociable, Buzz was strangely quiet as he collected his lunch. With all he’d discovered recently, he was in no mood to tolerate army-talk from his fellow soldiers, deliberately choosing a table that was some way from the rest of the troops as they dined. It didn’t stop people joining his table though, he noticed dryly as a voice disturbed him from his meal.

“Mind if I sit here?”

Buzz opened his mouth about to tell whoever it was that he’d rather be alone, but on gazing up at the enquiring man he quickly closed it.

Instead he nodded as he returned to his meal, grateful for some understanding company. He knew that also meant a high likelihood of more pressing questions, but he reminded himself of the reason why they’d be asked. It didn’t ease the tightening knot in his stomach, however.

Stephan watched him eat for a moment as he took a seat next to him, before gently beginning their conversation.

“How’re things?” he asked, noting the attire of his superior as he continued, “I gather it didn’t go too well yesterday?”

“Oh, it went very well considering,” Buzz replied, “I only got suspended. I was half-expecting to get discharged.”

“Wow,” Stephan remarked, his eyes widening in surprise at his reply, “That bad, huh?”

Buzz’s head lowered briefly as he began to pick at the contents of his bowl.

“Yeah,” he uttered, “It could’ve gone a lot worse.”

“What happened?”

Buzz gave a knowing sigh as he pondered how best to answer.

“I had a big disagreement at home,” he replied carefully, “One of my kids pushed me too far, and things got out of hand…”

Stephan swallowed a difficult morsel of food as a picture began to take shape in his mind.

“Don’t ever have a family if you stay in the army,” Buzz told him, “You may make a great soldier, but kiss your dreams of fatherhood goodbye ‘cause you’ll only fuck it up.”

“Only if you let it happen,” Stephan replied but, as much as he didn’t mean to, he only served to worsen Buzz’s mood.

“It ain’t just me, that’s the problem,” Buzz explained, “I didn’t even turn out as bad as my dad apparently – army life has been a family tradition. I’m starting to wish it wasn’t; maybe my eldest saw it comin’. Turned out he resented me for trying to keep it going, but he never said anything before…” Buzz let the sadness and regret overwhelm him as he continued to drift, willing the tears to come, yet at the same time knowing the taps behind his eyes had long rusted over.

“Maybe he didn’t dare to,” he mused, giving a weak shrug, “All this time he was playing the part while underneath he was crying… or wished he could. Dad always taught me tears are for the weak...”

Stephan had remained quiet, but couldn’t contain the snort of disapproval at the last remark.

“I dunno where he got that from,” Stephan retorted, “Crying is a natural human reflex, it’s how we flush out our pain. It’s like a poison; it needs getting rid of, keep it inside and it destroys you.”

“I know,” Buzz admitted, “So much for Dad knows best, huh?”

“How many kids do you have?”

“Three,” Buzz replied, “Tank’s the oldest at sixteen, Ripp’s a year younger and Buck’s the youngest at ten.”

“Which one’s the reason you’re in trouble?”

“Ripp,” Buzz responded with a heavy heart, “I got a punchbag upstairs, I usually go to that when it gets too much, but for some reason I didn’t this time. He’s pushed me before, but thinking about it I don’t even know why anymore…”

Stephan studied his body language intently as he spoke, before delivering his verdict on the matter.

“Look, you obviously regret it,” he reassured him, “That’s gotta be a good thing, right?”

“Yeah,” Buzz agreed, wrestling valiantly with the rusted taps as he tried to gain even the slightest momentum in the handles, but still not seeing so much as a droplet of water. “At least I didn’t kill him.”

“Kill?” Stephan echoed, wondering where this statement had come from. “You don’t mean literally, I hope?”

“I know, it sounds crazy,” Buzz concurred, “But according to the chief, that’s just what Dad did once. Who I don’t know…” He trailed off as he clamped down on his tongue. “Sorry, I’m talking too much…”

“Hey, it’s cool,” Stephan smiled, “We’re friends, right? Or, at least, it seems you took me up on the offer,” he hastily added.

Buzz gave a little smile as he nodded.

“Sure,” he found himself accepting, “It’s been a long time since anyone’s wanted to listen, guess I’m just not used to it.”

Stephan smiled reassuringly in reply, laying a hand on his arm, and before he could stop himself he gave it a subtle squeeze. He removed his hand as soon as he realised, hoping that the suspended general hadn’t noticed anything amiss.

It wasn’t Buzz he need have been worried about, but the scrutinising eyes of his fellow soldiers instead.

“Whoa,” one of them remarked, “Did you see that?”

“Sure did,” another replied, “You know what they say; you play with fire, you’re gonna get burnt…”

“Just hope for his sake Grunt didn’t suspect anything,” yet another man mused, “The guy’s gonna pulverise him if he did.”

Much to Stephan’s relief, it was apparent that the clouds of despair and guilt were so thick they stifled the general’s ability to judge or reason. Buzz merely gave a faint smile as he idly gazed at where the younger man’s hand had rested before, again allowing himself to drift.

“You know my biggest regret?” he asked before continuing with his answer, “The way I treated Ripp, when he takes so much after his mom… maybe I just couldn’t handle the compassion they showed, ‘cause I’ve been so used to violence and anger… The way he ‘pushed’ when all he was really trying to do was crack the shell… and what’s the thanks I give him? A broken wrist, a bruised face and a battered soul…”

“Any reason you’re thinking about this now?” Stephan asked, resisting the urge to touch him again. He would mean it only in a friendly, comforting way of course, but he couldn’t trust himself to not give any stronger hints at the affection he was already beginning to feel for the tormented man. That feeling only intensified as Buzz turned to him in delivering his answer.

“You remind me of him,” he uttered with despair in his eyes, “It takes a guy I’ve seen around once or twice for me to wonder how I could be such an ass to my own son…”

“Guess it’s easier to see in strangers,” Stephan suggested, losing the battle with himself as he again laid a hand on his arm. “It’s also human nature to reject the unknown, resist change… yet deep down you know change needs to happen, don’t you?”

Buzz solemnly nodded as he pushed away his empty bowl.

“I know I can’t go on like this,” he added, “Love is something else we all crave, and I need to learn to accept it when it’s offered, in whatever form. Ripp’s a smart kid, but I drove him off the rails because I wouldn’t accept him…”

Stephan took his hand from Buzz’s arm and moved it across his shoulder.

“Did you get put on any kind of programme?” he asked gently, “‘Cause it sounds like you really need it.”

“Yeah, I did,” Buzz replied, “Got my first session later today. In fact I’m already starting to wonder if we’ll have long enough.”

“Well, make the most of what you do have,” Stephan advised him, “And if you need to talk in the meantime, I’ll be happy to listen.”

Buzz looked across at him as lunch ended, and the blond soldier began to rise. He gave a little nod and a weak smile before replying.

“Thanks,” he uttered.

Stephan clutched his hand in a parting gesture, again laying the other hand on his arm and letting his touch linger a little too long. Once more he released his grip as he noticed, hoping that the general wouldn’t as he left.

Buzz watched the young man as he went on his way, gazing warmly after him as he sub-consciously stroked his arm.

“Where do they all come from?” he questioned no one in particular, his mind beginning to wander as he continued his musing silently.

Does someone up there really think I’m worthy of all these chances they keep giving me?

Don’t push your luck Mister. You’ve had two chances already – this is your last one. Whatever you do, for God’s sake don’t blow it, you won’t be so lucky again!

“Are you nuts?” one of the men exclaimed as they trained in the gym, “You’re so lucky to make it back in one piece!”

“What’re you on about?” Stephan quizzed, “We just had lunch together, what’s the big deal?”

“You hit on General Grunt?!” another spluttered, “Do you have a death wish or somethin’?”

Stephan sighed as he eyed the offender coolly.

“He was upset so I put an arm round him, so what?”

“Let your hand linger a little too long for that, didn’t you…?”

“Will you cut it out?” Stephan snapped, “Can’t even eat with the man without being spied on!?”

“Just be careful,” one of the soldiers warned, “If he gets the wrong idea he’ll rip you apart.”

Stephan remained quiet, but inside his thoughts ran wild. There were two ways this could go, he considered; either the general didn’t notice – that seemed the more obvious choice. The other was that he did notice, but wasn’t who he appeared to be.

Tank found the receptionist and explained the phone call he’d placed earlier, while Ripp and Johnny stood a small distance away as they looked about themselves. Johnny eyed the fragile youth with a fond sadness as he ran his fingers through his brown hair. Tank gave his thanks to the lady before joining them, laying a reassuring hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“We got long to wait?” Johnny asked.

“Don’t think so,” Tank replied, “They said some other kids are in at the moment, but that they’ve been in there a good while already.”

Johnny nodded in acknowledgement, and both gazed upon the sullen boy who stood between them.

“It’ll be okay sweetie,” Johnny told him gently, draping a comforting arm across his shoulders. Ripp merely snuggled into his chest as he continued to nibble at his fingernails.

“Jus’ like when we were little all over again,” Tank mused as he watched him, “He used to be like that with Mom, when things started goin’ bad.”

All three pairs of ears pricked up on the sound of movement and opening doors. A glimmer of recognition shone in their faces at noticing the teenage girl who left one room, her manner very unlike the last time they met. In fact, they noticed, the black streaks upon her cheeks hinted that there was more to the girl than the spiteful outer layer she had displayed previously.

Lilith’s eyes darted between the three boys before her, hastily brushing away the stained marks from her face before her gaze rested upon the bundle in Johnny’s arms. He looked so different now, she observed, so... vulnerable.

The other room emptied of its previous occupants, heads instinctively turning at the sound of a door latch. A young man of no more than Tank’s age stepped into the lobby looking just as unhappy, although to one in particular that was the least of his concerns.

Ripp stiffened, swallowing a lump in his throat as his eyes locked onto the flame haired lad before them. As the boy returned his stare, his expression also changed as he began to awkwardly adjust his footing.

Tank and Johnny found themselves looking from one to the other, trying to interpret the body language adopted by the two boys who plainly had met before. Under which circumstances was the obvious question, although it didn’t take long before they realised what had happened between them.

The older boys’ eyes narrowed as they found themselves slowly turning back to Ripp, who had adopted the manner of a frightened animal.

“Um, Ripp?” Johnny began, already sure of the answer but checking anyway. “Is this...?”

The little nod given in reply was all it took to send Tank into a flying rage, snarling like an angered lion as he swiftly swooped upon the red headed youth and roughly grabbed him by the shirt, pinning him against the nearby wall.

“Bastard!!” he roared as he did so.

“Tank!” Johnny cried out, but to no avail. He made instinctive movements in the direction of the scuffle that had unfolded, yet his hand remained pinned to Ripp’s shoulder as he looked back at him; as much as he needed to intervene in the nasty situation with Tank, the sight of his younger lover was enough to anchor him to his side.

“It’s okay,” he whispered as he stroked his head, “He can’t hurt you.”

As Johnny held Ripp close however, he eyed the bickering boys in the distance helplessly as his mind raced.

True, but Tank can hurt him. I just hope someone can step in before he turns this place into a bloodbath. I’d gladly do it myself but I can’t leave Ripp like this...

Chapter Twenty

Tank sat on the edge of the bed, stripped to his shorts in readiness for sleep, but in no mood to listen to its call as his head spun from all that had happened earlier. There was only one way he’d be able to rest, he deduced as his hand dove underneath his pillow.

“I got an idea,” Johnny remarked, “Go lay down on your front, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Ripp watched with a frown as the alien youth disappeared, giving a little shrug as the only thing left was to comply with his wishes.

“Come on, there’s gotta be some around somewhere.”

Green eyes scanned the bathroom, before hands of the same hue rummaged in a cupboard.

“Ah,” he grinned as he clutched the object of his desire, “Gotcha.”

Ripp’s head jerked suddenly in the direction of the bedside table as a bottle was placed on its surface. He watched as Johnny climbed onto the bed and took a seat on his rear, before a green arm reached for the bottle of baby oil that had been procured earlier. Ripp gave a little shiver as the cool liquid trickled across the sensitive skin on his back, before Johnny’s hands pressed firmly upon him, travelling the length of his spine.

“Just relax,” Johnny murmured softly, continuing to lovingly massage his back as he spoke, “Good for relieving the tension, somethin’ you could really do with right now.”

It took a while for Ripp to grow used to the pressure applied to his taut muscles, but soon his eyes closed as Johnny gradually drove all the pent up feelings from his body. His breathing became shallow as the emotive toxins trickled from his pores, and an unexpected side-effect took hold as, instead of drifting into a relaxed slumber, Ripp suddenly burst into tears.

Johnny allowed a satisfied smile to play upon his lips as he continued to work.

“Dunno why I didn’t think of this before,” he remarked to no one in particular, “Ain’t just physical tension these things are good for.”

“I gotta stop doin’ this,” Tank grumbled as he sleepily rose from the bedclothes. A combination of late night scrawling in a bid to ease his troubled mind, and being a naturally early riser was a bad one.

Peter whistled to himself as he prepared breakfast, more in a bid to lighten his own mood after the darkness that shrouded the oldest members of his household. The youngest however, including the brother of the afflicted in question, sat in blissful ignorance at the table as they awaited their fuel for the day ahead.

“Thanks,” Buck smiled as he picked up his fork, but the smile upon his lips was a weak one. Peter noticed the shadow of the cloud above his head, but knew better than to pick him up on it. After all, watching your father batter one of your brothers can’t do your mood any favours.

His head turned at the sound of movement, and greeted the young man as he approached.

“Morning,” Peter waved, but frowned as he came into view. “Didn’t you sleep well last night?”

“It’s that obvious, huh?” Tank moaned in reply.

“Come on, get some food inside you,” he invited as they sat to their meal, soon wondering why he’d been surprised to see the youth who usually was always so hungry, now slumped over his plate and picked at the food with his fork.

“No sign of the others yet?” Peter asked, hoping to distract him from his thoughts at least a little.

Tank merely shrugged his shoulders as he forced a forkful of pancake into his mouth, slowly chewing on the food as the jaws of his mind worked at an equally deliberate pace.

Peter gave a little nod of acknowledgement as he loaded his fork.

“Give them a little while,” he remarked to no one in particular, “It’s not like they’re in any rush.”

“Johnny too?” Tank checked.

“He wanted to look after him,” came the reply, “And you need to take it easy, young man.”

Tank smiled dryly as he muttered in reply.

“Take it easy?” he quizzed ironically, “What’s that mean?!”

“Come on Tank,” Peter chided, “You’ll go to pieces if you don’t.”

“Bit late for that,” Tank blurted as he rose sharply from the table, but Peter was quick to intervene.

“Sit down,” he commanded, “Finish your meal; you need to keep your strength up.”

Tank sunk reluctantly back down into his chair, glancing at the owner of the blue eyes as they studied him.

“What’s wrong?” Buck asked.

All Tank could do in reply was slump into his free hand, while the other continued to prod at the food on his plate.

“Mornin’ sweetie,” Johnny greeted as he pecked Ripp’s lips, before tracing the puffy red skin under his glassy blue eyes.

“Hey,” came the sullen reply.

“You okay?”

Ripp gave a wry smile as the back of his left hand glided across the pillowcase.

“Guess so,” he mumbled, “Got a bit hard sleeping on a wet pillow, but never mind.”

Johnny smiled sadly as he reached to caress his shoulder. Ripp crawled across the bed to lay a hand upon his chest, his fingers finding the last traces of salty moisture among the young growth of blond hair. He brushed the droplets away with his hand before deciding the green skin was dry enough to rest his head, his eyes closing momentarily both at the touch of Johnny’s hand as it smoothed down his hair, and the sound of the heartbeat playing softly into his ear.

“It’ll be okay,” Johnny reassured him as they laid together, before something occurred to him. “Oh, I got a lesson later on, but he don’t mind you comin’ with.”

Ripp’s eyebrows twitched into a frown as he looked up at him.

“He?” Ripp asked, “Who’s ‘he’?”

“Ever wondered how I could kick your brother’s ass back then?” Johnny reminded him, “Today’s the day you get to find out.”

“Oh, cool!” Ripp exclaimed. The curiosity piqued by the mention of this new person was enough to blow away the clouds of depression, at least for the time being. Despite his current state of mind, Ripp could never resist the chance to meet with new people, especially if they were friends with someone as apart from the crowd as he felt himself to be.

Unaware of the severity of the situation with his student, the alien mentor hummed softly to himself as he approached the kitchen. His mind wandered as he recalled the conversation they’d had the evening before, trying to sweep aside the instinctive niggle in his mind about the prospect of meeting someone different.

“I can read you like a book.”

He looked in the direction of the voice as he made for a cupboard, but was far from surprised on spotting the source.

“Meaning?” the man challenged the battered form before him.

“You said only last night this person knows him, didn’t you? Yet you still don’t trust him.”

The unblemished figure placed the ingredients on his counter a little too sharply as he gave a conceding sigh.

“Do you blame me?” came the reply.

“Johnny’s green and the boy still mixes with him, doesn’t that mean anything?”

“I am trying,” the robed man uttered, his black eyes misting over as a hand idly travelled to his belly. “It’s too late for you to fear, you’re already dead.”

The alien ghost eyed the man with an arched eyebrow and crossed arms as he watched him prepare his breakfast.

“True,” came the reply, “On the other side of the coin, I have a clearer view of all that happens.”

The living being cocked his head briefly in acknowledgement of his remark, before their conversation was abruptly cut short. An agonised cry escaped his throat as his hand clutched his lower abdomen, green fingers gripping the edge of the counter as he hunched over with a vice-like pain taking hold of his stomach.

“Oh dear,” the ghost observed, rummaging through a cupboard while grateful that moving objects wasn’t necessarily a physical task. Tablets and a glass half filled with water were placed on the counter by the food, as the spirit gazed upon the stricken man.

“Get those inside you,” he told him before moving off, “Hope you’re not running low.”

The person remaining in the kitchen guzzled greedily at the water as he washed down the tablets, before making painstaking movements across to the bathroom. He smiled to himself as he noticed everything needed was already resting by the basin.

“Ah, bless your soul,” he mused sadly as he closed the door, “No longer alive, but that doesn’t stop you looking after your brother, eh?”

Tank had heaved an inward sigh of relief when the children left for school, and with Peter occupied elsewhere, it left him free to do the only thing he could think of to distract himself. His tears once more frozen inside, he began to scrub at surfaces that may not have even needed attention, but in his current state of mind he was in no position to care.

The aged alien noticed him work as he came back inside, having delivered his message about the absent teenagers to the driver of the bus that would normally be taking them to school. When the sixteen year old started dusting at the banister, Peter decided it was time to step in.

“Tank,” he began, “I appreciate the help, but it’s really not necessary.”

Tank gave a meek shrug, continuing to polish the wood. Peter approached and laid a halting hand on the young arm.

“If you really want to occupy yourself,” Peter suggested, “Why don’t you do what you were doing at the Specter house yesterday, and find out about getting some help for yourselves?”

The pair of blue eyes gazed at him as the owner caved in, passing the duster to Peter’s outstretched hand before slinking up the stairs to retrieve his notes.

“They’re getting worse, I swear. It’s reaching the point where I don’t want to fall asleep, because I just know I’ll get one of those damn nightmares again. Not that I even have to sleep to get some kind of reminder that something happened, but for the life of me I can’t remember what it was. All I’m getting are pieces of the puzzle; that scar on my chest – back when I was moving up the ranks, other men would say it looked like an old knife wound. Then that talk with the chief about recurring flashbacks, finding out my father had killed someone. I would say one thing had nothing to do with another, but I was supposed to have tried to report what happened, and I can’t remember anything about that either. In fact, now I consider it, about Tank’s eyes when he tried to get me off Ripp that evening… they didn’t look angry, just familiar…”

Buzz trailed off as his mind drifted back in time, to a hospital room and a baby in a bassinet.

“I can’t believe you called him Tank,” Lyla giggled, “Poor kid’s gonna have such a hard time at school…!”

“What’s wrong with being named after a sturdy fighting vehicle?”

“He might be a softy like his mom!” she replied.

Buzz gave a little chuckle as he gazed down at the tanned infant in his temporary cot.

“He’s even got my eyes, I think…” she remarked, but trailed off as she started to question the integrity of her statement.

“I don’t think so,” Buzz corrected, finding himself wondering just where the little boy had inherited the features from. The shape of his eyes bore no resemblance to either parent. Someone else peered up at him, and Buzz studied the baby’s face with mixed feelings as he began to recognise the original owner of those particular qualities.

“How’d you get your granddad’s eyes, huh?” he asked gently, forcing a smile as he stroked his son’s foot.

“Dad??” he exclaimed, the diary and pen roughly tossed aside as he sprung to his feet. His hand gripped the area of his scar as a phrase resounded through his mind, adding strength to his suspicions.

“Sorry son, but it’s for your own good.”

Buzz began to pace the room anxiously as he voiced the thoughts now racing through his head.

“My god…” he uttered, “My father tried to kill me? Why??”

“Whose blood was on that knife… was it mine, or the last poor guy he’d supposedly killed… Maybe both? Is that why, because I’d seen him do it? Come to think of it, what was he doing with the knife in the first place? I mean, I know he’d have his moments, and there were plenty thanks to that damn vice of his, but even when drunk he wouldn’t go that far, would he?”

Stephan coolly eyed his fellow soldiers as they cleaned up for the day ahead, and bit the bullet as he stepped onto the concrete floor. A relieved smile played upon his lips as he recognised one of the faces to be friendly, hoping that it would be enough to get him through one of his least favourite times of the day as he found a spare shower.

He gave an involuntary shudder as the icy water cascaded down his body, delivering a sobering slap to the face that would refresh him more readily than the strongest blend of coffee. A voice next to him gave a reminder of the real reason he detested showers, and it was nothing to do with the action itself.

“Hey Mitch, can I ask you somethin’?”

Stephan gave a little snort as he lathered up his hands and applied them to his body.

“You’re going to anyways,” came the response.

“What do you see in him?”

“Ah, that one again,” he acknowledged, not once looking across at the man querying him.

“It’s a fair enough question,” another one asked, “Of all the guys you could dream of, you pick a high ranking officer who could double as a walkin’ time-bomb.”

“He’s a good man,” Stephan defended as he continued to scrub.

“He’s a jerk!”

The friendly face spotted earlier, belonging to Matthew Picaso, gave a snigger as he chipped in.

“Of course he is, he’s a general!” he teased, “Generals are paid to be assholes.”

Stephan giggled quietly at his remark.

“Didn’t he get suspended?” one of them challenged.

“Yeah, wonder what that was for,” another agreed, “Startin’ one fight too many, maybe?”

Stephan shook his head at the gossip filtering through the air.

“Give the guy a break,” he justified, “He’s got problems; he needs someone to lean on, not point a finger.”

“Pssh,” one retorted, “That mushy streak of yours’ll get you in trouble one of these days.”

“Yeah, what’s gonna happen when he finds out you suck cock?” another tested.

Stephan rolled his eyes at the derogatory comment, wondering whether or not to bother acknowledging it.

“Will you leave the guy alone?” Matthew decided for him, “So what if he prefers guys? It’s not even like he’s tried it on any of us, is it?”

“No, he’s got his eyes on that general instead.”

Stephan sighed in exasperation as he shut off the shower, and finally turned to the men delivering such pre-empted verdicts.

“Did I ever say that? Huh?!”

“Come on,” came the reply, “You’re always talkin’ about him!”

“So fuckin’ what?!” Stephan retaliated, “I’m gay, I show concern for another man, therefore I’m holding a torch for him. You guys are pathetic!”

“It’s kinda obvious,” came the observation, “All these nicer guys on camp, and you never talk of any of them the way you do with this one.”

“None of the others look so unhappy…”

“Would you be as worried about anyone else if they did?”

“Oh, he would,” Matthew answered as he left his own shower, “Guy’s got a sympathetic streak a mile wide.”

Stephan smiled sadly as a twinge of melancholy tugged at his heart.

“Wish it was,” he corrected.

“Oh yeah,” Matthew acknowledged, “Beg your pardon, empathetic streak.”

“Better,” Stephan nodded as he left the showers, making for the bench housing the pile of clothes waiting for him.

“You okay?” Matthew asked as he sat down.

“Yeah, just pissed off,” Stephan admitted, “It’s got so I can’t stand showers, we go through this every morning lately.”

“It’s none of their business,” Matthew told him, “You know what rumours are like.”

“Pff, yeah,” Stephan agreed sourly, “All it took was my showing concern, and now they keep implying I wanna get with him. If I was straight it wouldn’t be a problem.”

Matthew glanced around the room to eliminate any chance of being overheard, before leaning in closer and speaking with a hushed voice.

“So what’s the real story?” he asked the blond soldier, “Is it only friends you wanna be with this guy, or are you hopin’ for something more?”

Stephan gave a shrug as he began to dress.

“Too early to say,” came the evasive reply, “Although I do seem to be drawn to the emotionally unstable.”

Chapter Nineteen

Two pairs of blue eyes rested upon the domestic cemetery, as they struggled to digest another negative emotion running through their beings. Ophelia gently coaxed Tank out of his spell and led the boys inside, suggesting they sit down for a moment beforehand to gather their thoughts – a proposition Tank was only too happy to accept as he eyed his younger brother. He had questions and now was more determined than ever to get answers.

“Okay,” he began once they were all resting, “Let’s take it from the top, shall we?”

Ripp’s stomach tied into knots as he gingerly eyed his older brother, bracing himself for another grilling. The other two, with no idea of the events at school, could only watch the exchange unfold for now.

“You caught somethin’ off one of those guys, didn’t you,” Tank guessed, continuing seamlessly from where he’d been interrupted by Dustin’s presence before.

Ripp’s head dropped as he gazed at the hard floor, his grip tightening on the green hand that held his own. Ophelia remained clueless, but Johnny’s attention was captured immediately.

“You mean to tell me you didn’t use protection?!” Tank exclaimed, but Johnny was quick to intervene.

“Whoa, whoa,” he protested, “This ain’t what you think…”

“I always used protection!” Ripp protested bitterly, no longer hiding the distress felt as he began to relive his ordeal.

“So, what, it split?” Tank pressed.

“He didn’t put it on,” Ripp conceded, tears streaming down his cheeks as he gazed at his now concerned brother.

Johnny fixed the tanned youth with a deliberate stare as Ripp succumbed to the flow of tears.

“The bastard raped him,” Johnny explained as he cradled the traumatised boy in his arms. “Let ‘im think it was just rough sex, but if your partner’s beggin’ you to stop…”

“Alright, alright,” Tank interrupted, cradling his head in his hand. “Shit…” He looked back at the green boy as the focus of his questions changed. “How long have you known?”

“Only since last night,” came the reply, “He’d been kiddin’ himself for ages that it wasn’t rape.”

“But he’d told him to stop?” Tank checked.

“Ripp said he was beggin’ and screamin’ for him to stop,” Johnny spat venomously, “The poor guy was in agony; you’re meant to use a lubricant first, I nearly found that out the hard way.”

Tank’s head lowered as the flames of anger continued to heat his blood, raising it to boiling point as he recalled the time Ripp had arrived home one day – presumably the day it had happened, given the state he was in. Looking back at the weeping wreck his brother had become, his fist clenched so tightly his knuckles turned white.

“If I ever get hold of that son-of-a-bitch,” Tank promised, “I’m gonna break his fuckin’ neck.”

Johnny eyed the livid youth with a meaningful stare, a bitter smirk playing upon his lips.

“Get in line,” he told him simply.

Ophelia led the grim procession through her aunt’s garden as she took them to Lyla’s resting place, hooking an arm round Tank’s waist in an offer of support as she slowly gestured to the tombstone. Tank’s eyes scanned the engraved text a multitude of times, slowly shaking his head as the hard proof of their mother’s demise was laid before them. Ripp, already in a fragile emotional state, needed only to read the text once for the recurring memories of his fed dreams to haunt his tormented soul, pushing him once more into a sobbing bundle cradled in gentle green arms. Tank meanwhile felt his blood rapidly cool as his legs buckled, bringing him to his knees as all trace of emotion drained from his being.

“I’m sorry Mom,” he uttered, “For how things turned out, for what happened…” His fingers reached out to trace the etchings on the tombstone, willing the tears to trickle forth. For some reason however they refused to comply, the taps behind his eyes jammed into the off position as he studied the text. “We’ve both been jerks I know, we treated you an’ Ripp so bad… you seem to know I’ve changed since, I can only be grateful you found a way to do that… I just wish I could remember you before you left, without a face lookin’ like Dad had just worked you over like he did Ripp…”

Finally the tears began to flow as he let the last of his regrets pour forth from his tortured being.

“I’m sorry Mom,” he whimpered between sobs, “I’m so sorry, please forgive me!”

Ophelia was rooted to the spot by the sight, watching him collapse into a hysterical weeping heap with a tear trickling down her cheek. Her own feelings of grief still so raw, she hastily left them to race back into the house where she could surrender to her sorrow in peace.

Ripp’s tears had dried, leaving him as his brother had been; cold, numbed by the finality of it all, and with his own regrets to purge from his burdened being. He eyed the stone with a heart of ice as he began to recount his failings.

“I fucked up bad, I know,” he murmured, allowing the humiliation to sweep through him with its unforgiving blaze, “You saw some of it too, those moments I wouldn’t wish any parent to see their kids in. I’m just grateful you didn’t see what happened with Luke, that would have cut you bad… I know I was reckless, went out getting myself in situations I might never have come back from… you’d have blown a gasket if you knew, Tank sure as hell did… he’s been a good guy though, just how we remember him; playing the dad while our own’s outta the picture… with everything I’ve been up to though, I wouldn’t want his job.”

Johnny eyed his lover with concern as he continued to speak.

“I’m sorry too,” Ripp added, the chasm of self-hatred consuming his being, “Sorry for being such a failure…”

Johnny’s head slowly shook in disbelief as he stroked his head. He had stayed quiet for long enough.

“Hey,” he scolded softly, “Don’t talk like that; you’re not a failure…”

“I am!” Ripp protested, “I’ve ruined everything, I’ve wrecked our family…!”

Tank was pulled from his own memoirs at the raised voices, gazing upwards as Johnny tried valiantly to console the younger boy.

“You haven’t wrecked anythin’,” Johnny told him, “It’s your dad with problems, not…”

“Yeah, right,” Ripp spat, “I go out fuckin’ guys like they’re going outta fashion, get my ass torn open an’ catch Clap from one of ‘em…” He looked back at Johnny, his mind in mayhem as he watched his efforts to soothe his fears. “What the hell do you see in me?! How can you want me? I’m just a waste of space…!”

“Hey, that’s enough Ripp!” Johnny countered sharply, struggling to swallow the sobs working their way up his throat as he felt his heart crumble. “You’re not a waste, you’re an amazin’ guy and I love you, Ripp! You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me an’ I’m not gonna let you put yourself down like this, okay? Please, stop talkin’ like this…”

Tank witnessed the scene in shock, his head slowly shaking as he wondered whether or not to aid Johnny in what seemed to be a losing battle. Deciding that they were better left alone, he ventured inside to find Ophelia, who was sitting quietly on the couch.

“You okay?” he asked softly, sitting by her.

She nodded in reply, looking back to her toned lover.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” she said, “Jus’ reminded me of my own parents.”

“Hey, it’s cool,” Tank smiled weakly as he draped an arm round her. “I’m sorry.”

She nestled into his chest for a moment, allowing the sound of his heartbeat to soothe her troubles. She pulled away after a while, sensing something amiss but not quite sure what.

“Everythin’ okay?” she checked, “They still out there?”

Tank’s head lowered in despair as his free hand nursed his brow.

“Ripp’s a mess,” he confessed, “I don’t mean how you saw him a couple o’ days ago; I mean a real, big mess! I’ve never seen him in such a state all the time I’ve lived with him!”

“Why, what’s he sayin’?”

“He’s sayin’ how he’s messed up, that he’s a waste of space and even asking Johnny what he sees in him…” Tank recited, “Put it this way, I’m startin’ to wonder if I should keep an eye on him, make sure he don’t try anythin’ stupid…”

“Like what?” she asked, quickly growing alarmed, “You don’t think he’s gonna…?” She completed the sentence by flicking a finger across the underside of her wrist.

Tank gave a helpless shrug as he slumped into the backrest.

“I dunno anymore,” he replied, “How much more can I put past the guy? He nearly got himself killed I dunno how many times, an’ that was while I was still bein’ an asshole. Then I find out he’s been raped, which is probably what pushed him to cigarettes, an’ now this. What’s this gonna push him to, Philly? I’m really getting scared for him…”

“Look,” Ophelia offered, “Neither of you are thinking straight right now. I said once before, you can’t expect to act the responsible dad when you’ve got your own problems, and that was before I knew about your mom. Get some help for the pair o’ ya, you need it yesterday! Chase up the guys at the army, they look after military families don’t they?”

The clouds of despair parted, wafted away by the strong winds of Tank’s practical nature as he quickly agreed. Anything to help this ugly situation, he decided as he reached for his mobile. He’d already lost his mother, and for now his father too, he wasn’t about to lose one of his brothers on top of everything else.

Johnny clung desperately to his fallen lover, as if to save him from tumbling any further into the bottomless chasm of desolation, but at the same time allowed the tears to trickle from his green eyes as he stroked his brown hair. He wanted so badly to burst into tears himself, the devastating emotions gushing forth from Ripp and touching Johnny’s heart with their deadly fingers, as if to give him a taste of the worthlessness and despair the younger man was suffering in such a dark time. Another feeling took over however, that of helplessness. Johnny wanted desperately to be able to kiss away these terrible thoughts invading Ripp’s mind, to heal his scars with a click of his fingers… anything other than to just stand by and watch as Ripp’s torments ate away at his heart. Not being able to help at all, not even through the kindest words or the tenderest touch, was the most painful form of torture the alien boy had ever endured.
Johnny quickly brushed the tears away as he felt movement from his boyfriend. Ripp’s face was saturated with tears, which Johnny reached to wipe away as he gazed sadly at him.

“Feelin’ any better?” Johnny asked.

“I guess,” Ripp shrugged in reply.

“Come on,” Johnny offered, “Let’s get home, eh?”

Ripp quietly nodded, grateful that Johnny was indeed still with him – how he needed his touch right now.

The couple walked the reasonable distance back along Road to Nowhere with their arms hooked loosely round each other’s sides. Ripp tucked himself snugly under Johnny’s arm as he began to ramble, voicing the random thoughts racing through his mind, and Johnny drank in what was being said in the hope that he would gain further insight into his troubled mind. As Johnny’s house came into view, he stopped them both as he turned to face him, taking Ripp into his arms as he lightly kissed his head.

“Listen sweetie,” Johnny told him, “I know right now you don’t believe much I’m sayin’, but I’m here for you, okay? I’ll always be here for you, I promise.”

Ripp allowed a glimmer of a smile to take hold of his mouth, his eyes closing as he felt Johnny’s lips press against his forehead.

“Kiss me,” Ripp urged, peering pleadingly into the blond boy’s green eyes.

Johnny smiled, stroking Ripp’s face before planting a tender kiss on his lips.

Ripp clung to Johnny as their mouths caressed each other, before a female voice interrupted their loving encounter.

“Hey guys,” Jenny greeted them, “I’ve been worried about you!”

“I did call to say where we were goin’,” Johnny reminded her.

“I know,” she said, “But it’s been so long…!”

“Sorry Mom,” Johnny apologised softly.

Jenny frowned at her son’s change in manner, and looked across at Ripp.

“You okay?” she asked with concern, “I saw you guys from the garden…”

Ripp’s already sore eyes stung once more as his head lowered. Johnny meanwhile looked dangerously close to blowing his cover of strength, revealing the vulnerable lower layer that struggled to be freed from its prison. It needed to be released of course, but not in front of his broken partner.

Sensing this, Jenny hooked an arm round Ripp’s shoulder and led him towards the garden, the odour of charcoal and grilled meat wafting through the air. It did little to tantalise Ripp’s appetite however, even when a burger was placed into his hands.

“Hey Johnny,” Peter greeted, his smile quickly fading on noticing his son’s tear-dampened face. Taking the food off the grill for now, he moved towards him as he spotted Jenny, who was fussing over Ripp as he struggled to eat. His attention was jolted back to Johnny at the sound of choked sobs escaping from his throat, and without another word took his son into his arms, inviting him to release the emotion he’d stored inside during the day. Johnny was only too grateful for the chance to do so, weeping into his father’s arms as he clung tightly to him.

“It’s okay,” he soothed as he stroked his scalp, holding him close. “What happened?”

It seemed to take an age before he was granted a response. As the last of the pain was flushed from Johnny’s system, he took a moment to regain some strength before replying.

“It’s Ripp,” he replied, speaking in his father’s language as he explained all that had happened before.

“Oh heavens,” Peter remarked, his eyes flickering across to the youth in the recliner.

“It hurt so much, hearing him talk like that,” Johnny continued, “Nothing I said made any difference, I feel so damn helpless…”

“Sadly, there isn’t much any of us can do,” Jenny piped up as she approached, also conversing in her husbands’ mother tongue. “If I was as far up as doctor, I’d diagnose severe depression. Perhaps even the start of a breakdown.”

“Oh hell,” Johnny moaned in despair, before gazing with pleading eyes at his mother. “Isn’t there anything anyone can do?”

“Just be there for him,” she advised, “Remind him you love him, look after him, even mother him if you have to. Just be aware that in this state of mind, no positive messages will get through to him, although of course there’s no harm in trying. Whatever negative feelings he’s usually had to deal with, they’ll be amplified so he’ll need a lot of support to deal with them.”

Johnny nodded sullenly as he took on board her advice, gazing with a loving sadness at the topic of their discussion.

“Why does it feel like it’s happening to me?” he uttered, fresh tears pricking at his eyes, “I got no reason to feel dejected, do I?”

“It’s because you’re in love,” Peter told him as he laid a hand on his shoulder, “This is part of what true love is all about, the most painful part in fact. There’s a reason marriage vows include ‘for better, for worse’.”

Johnny briefly lowered his head, before a random practical thought yanked him back to reality. Tomorrow was Tuesday, and for Johnny that meant lesson day.

“‘Scuse me a sec,” Johnny said, moving off, “I need to make a call.”

“Come on babes,” Ophelia coaxed as she nursed her boyfriend’s shoulders, “They’re all closin’ down for the day. Why don’tcha get yourself some rest, huh?”

Tank sighed irritably as he flung the pen aside, studying the scrawled figures upon the paper.

“Yeah,” he conceded, yielding to an impressive yawn as his eyes briefly closed. “Man… early night for me tonight.”

“Too right,” she agreed, accompanying him to the door. They lingered just outside in each other’s arms, savouring the warmth shared between them as Tank fought against the fatigue now rearing its ugly head.

“Thanks for everything,” he told her, gently kissing her cheek.

“No problem,” she smiled in reply, “Just remember to take it easy, huh? You’ve been through a hell of a lot these past few days.”

“Tell me about it,” he moaned, before pulling back enough to peer into her green eyes. A fond smile crept upon his face as he pulled her close, caressing her cheek as he placed a lingering goodbye kiss on her lips. The heat spread throughout his being as their lips brushed together, clutching her tightly as though she was about to slip from his grasp forever.

Reluctantly they parted, and Tank made for his new home at the Smith residence. It wasn’t long before the smell of barbecued meat drifted through the air, prompting a longing moan from the youth as his seemingly bottomless stomach reminded him it was overdue for a top-up. The aroma of food reached out to take his hand and lead him through to the garden, where Johnny was now sitting with his younger brother and chewing on a mouthful of burger.

“Here’s the other one,” Peter announced, returning to the grill and tending the meat with one hand, while simultaneously eating his own meal with the other.

“You okay?” Jenny asked as he worked.

“Tired,” Tank complained, emphasising his point with a yawn, “Hungry and generally feelin’ drained…”

“What’ve you been up to?” Peter asked, passing him a burger.

“Tryin’ to get us some help,” came the reply, “Especially that guy,” he finished, thumbing behind him at the troubled young man sitting with Johnny.

“You know what,” Peter remarked, “After all that’s happened, I think you guys would do better to take a break from school. It’s only a few more days until you break up, is it really worth it?”
Tank smiled a little as he considered his suggestion.

“You know what,” Tank replied, “I think the extra time off will be just the ticket.”

“Look sweetie,” Johnny began as he swept a stray lock of hair from Ripp’s face, “I’m gonna stay with you, okay? I’ll take the time off school…”

“Don’t skip lessons on my account,” Ripp chipped in, “You go, I’ll be fine.”

Johnny gazed sadly at his partner as he shook his head.

“Don’t make any odds to me,” he told him, “I wouldn’t be able to focus on lessons if I went.” He frowned as Ripp pulled away from him, staring at him with dismay in his eyes.

“I’m even hurting you, aren’t I?” he assumed, “All I’m ever good for is…”

Johnny silenced him as he advanced, pressing his fingers against his lips.

“You’re not hurting me,” Johnny told him, “It’s your pain that’s hurting, I’m feeling it as much as you are.”

“I don’t get it,” Ripp admitted, his head shaking from side to side as he spoke.

“It’s because I love you,” Johnny explained, “I couldn’t concentrate on lessons because I’d be worried about you. I want to help, Ripp, that’s all I swear.” He felt himself become choked with emotion as he spoke, but fought against it enough to continue. “I won’t leave you, I promise – I don’t want to leave you, I want to be here for you…”

Ripp’s eyes clouded over, as just enough of Johnny’s message filtered through to provide the helping hand he so dearly needed.

“Stay with me Johnny,” he pleaded, “Don’t leave me…”

Johnny took Ripp into his arms, strengthening his vows as he held him close.

“I won’t leave you,” he muttered into Ripp’s ear, “I’ll always be here for you, I promise. We’ll get through this somehow, no matter how long it takes.”