Chapter Nineteen

Two pairs of blue eyes rested upon the domestic cemetery, as they struggled to digest another negative emotion running through their beings. Ophelia gently coaxed Tank out of his spell and led the boys inside, suggesting they sit down for a moment beforehand to gather their thoughts – a proposition Tank was only too happy to accept as he eyed his younger brother. He had questions and now was more determined than ever to get answers.

“Okay,” he began once they were all resting, “Let’s take it from the top, shall we?”

Ripp’s stomach tied into knots as he gingerly eyed his older brother, bracing himself for another grilling. The other two, with no idea of the events at school, could only watch the exchange unfold for now.

“You caught somethin’ off one of those guys, didn’t you,” Tank guessed, continuing seamlessly from where he’d been interrupted by Dustin’s presence before.

Ripp’s head dropped as he gazed at the hard floor, his grip tightening on the green hand that held his own. Ophelia remained clueless, but Johnny’s attention was captured immediately.

“You mean to tell me you didn’t use protection?!” Tank exclaimed, but Johnny was quick to intervene.

“Whoa, whoa,” he protested, “This ain’t what you think…”

“I always used protection!” Ripp protested bitterly, no longer hiding the distress felt as he began to relive his ordeal.

“So, what, it split?” Tank pressed.

“He didn’t put it on,” Ripp conceded, tears streaming down his cheeks as he gazed at his now concerned brother.

Johnny fixed the tanned youth with a deliberate stare as Ripp succumbed to the flow of tears.

“The bastard raped him,” Johnny explained as he cradled the traumatised boy in his arms. “Let ‘im think it was just rough sex, but if your partner’s beggin’ you to stop…”

“Alright, alright,” Tank interrupted, cradling his head in his hand. “Shit…” He looked back at the green boy as the focus of his questions changed. “How long have you known?”

“Only since last night,” came the reply, “He’d been kiddin’ himself for ages that it wasn’t rape.”

“But he’d told him to stop?” Tank checked.

“Ripp said he was beggin’ and screamin’ for him to stop,” Johnny spat venomously, “The poor guy was in agony; you’re meant to use a lubricant first, I nearly found that out the hard way.”

Tank’s head lowered as the flames of anger continued to heat his blood, raising it to boiling point as he recalled the time Ripp had arrived home one day – presumably the day it had happened, given the state he was in. Looking back at the weeping wreck his brother had become, his fist clenched so tightly his knuckles turned white.

“If I ever get hold of that son-of-a-bitch,” Tank promised, “I’m gonna break his fuckin’ neck.”

Johnny eyed the livid youth with a meaningful stare, a bitter smirk playing upon his lips.

“Get in line,” he told him simply.

Ophelia led the grim procession through her aunt’s garden as she took them to Lyla’s resting place, hooking an arm round Tank’s waist in an offer of support as she slowly gestured to the tombstone. Tank’s eyes scanned the engraved text a multitude of times, slowly shaking his head as the hard proof of their mother’s demise was laid before them. Ripp, already in a fragile emotional state, needed only to read the text once for the recurring memories of his fed dreams to haunt his tormented soul, pushing him once more into a sobbing bundle cradled in gentle green arms. Tank meanwhile felt his blood rapidly cool as his legs buckled, bringing him to his knees as all trace of emotion drained from his being.

“I’m sorry Mom,” he uttered, “For how things turned out, for what happened…” His fingers reached out to trace the etchings on the tombstone, willing the tears to trickle forth. For some reason however they refused to comply, the taps behind his eyes jammed into the off position as he studied the text. “We’ve both been jerks I know, we treated you an’ Ripp so bad… you seem to know I’ve changed since, I can only be grateful you found a way to do that… I just wish I could remember you before you left, without a face lookin’ like Dad had just worked you over like he did Ripp…”

Finally the tears began to flow as he let the last of his regrets pour forth from his tortured being.

“I’m sorry Mom,” he whimpered between sobs, “I’m so sorry, please forgive me!”

Ophelia was rooted to the spot by the sight, watching him collapse into a hysterical weeping heap with a tear trickling down her cheek. Her own feelings of grief still so raw, she hastily left them to race back into the house where she could surrender to her sorrow in peace.

Ripp’s tears had dried, leaving him as his brother had been; cold, numbed by the finality of it all, and with his own regrets to purge from his burdened being. He eyed the stone with a heart of ice as he began to recount his failings.

“I fucked up bad, I know,” he murmured, allowing the humiliation to sweep through him with its unforgiving blaze, “You saw some of it too, those moments I wouldn’t wish any parent to see their kids in. I’m just grateful you didn’t see what happened with Luke, that would have cut you bad… I know I was reckless, went out getting myself in situations I might never have come back from… you’d have blown a gasket if you knew, Tank sure as hell did… he’s been a good guy though, just how we remember him; playing the dad while our own’s outta the picture… with everything I’ve been up to though, I wouldn’t want his job.”

Johnny eyed his lover with concern as he continued to speak.

“I’m sorry too,” Ripp added, the chasm of self-hatred consuming his being, “Sorry for being such a failure…”

Johnny’s head slowly shook in disbelief as he stroked his head. He had stayed quiet for long enough.

“Hey,” he scolded softly, “Don’t talk like that; you’re not a failure…”

“I am!” Ripp protested, “I’ve ruined everything, I’ve wrecked our family…!”

Tank was pulled from his own memoirs at the raised voices, gazing upwards as Johnny tried valiantly to console the younger boy.

“You haven’t wrecked anythin’,” Johnny told him, “It’s your dad with problems, not…”

“Yeah, right,” Ripp spat, “I go out fuckin’ guys like they’re going outta fashion, get my ass torn open an’ catch Clap from one of ‘em…” He looked back at Johnny, his mind in mayhem as he watched his efforts to soothe his fears. “What the hell do you see in me?! How can you want me? I’m just a waste of space…!”

“Hey, that’s enough Ripp!” Johnny countered sharply, struggling to swallow the sobs working their way up his throat as he felt his heart crumble. “You’re not a waste, you’re an amazin’ guy and I love you, Ripp! You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me an’ I’m not gonna let you put yourself down like this, okay? Please, stop talkin’ like this…”

Tank witnessed the scene in shock, his head slowly shaking as he wondered whether or not to aid Johnny in what seemed to be a losing battle. Deciding that they were better left alone, he ventured inside to find Ophelia, who was sitting quietly on the couch.

“You okay?” he asked softly, sitting by her.

She nodded in reply, looking back to her toned lover.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” she said, “Jus’ reminded me of my own parents.”

“Hey, it’s cool,” Tank smiled weakly as he draped an arm round her. “I’m sorry.”

She nestled into his chest for a moment, allowing the sound of his heartbeat to soothe her troubles. She pulled away after a while, sensing something amiss but not quite sure what.

“Everythin’ okay?” she checked, “They still out there?”

Tank’s head lowered in despair as his free hand nursed his brow.

“Ripp’s a mess,” he confessed, “I don’t mean how you saw him a couple o’ days ago; I mean a real, big mess! I’ve never seen him in such a state all the time I’ve lived with him!”

“Why, what’s he sayin’?”

“He’s sayin’ how he’s messed up, that he’s a waste of space and even asking Johnny what he sees in him…” Tank recited, “Put it this way, I’m startin’ to wonder if I should keep an eye on him, make sure he don’t try anythin’ stupid…”

“Like what?” she asked, quickly growing alarmed, “You don’t think he’s gonna…?” She completed the sentence by flicking a finger across the underside of her wrist.

Tank gave a helpless shrug as he slumped into the backrest.

“I dunno anymore,” he replied, “How much more can I put past the guy? He nearly got himself killed I dunno how many times, an’ that was while I was still bein’ an asshole. Then I find out he’s been raped, which is probably what pushed him to cigarettes, an’ now this. What’s this gonna push him to, Philly? I’m really getting scared for him…”

“Look,” Ophelia offered, “Neither of you are thinking straight right now. I said once before, you can’t expect to act the responsible dad when you’ve got your own problems, and that was before I knew about your mom. Get some help for the pair o’ ya, you need it yesterday! Chase up the guys at the army, they look after military families don’t they?”

The clouds of despair parted, wafted away by the strong winds of Tank’s practical nature as he quickly agreed. Anything to help this ugly situation, he decided as he reached for his mobile. He’d already lost his mother, and for now his father too, he wasn’t about to lose one of his brothers on top of everything else.

Johnny clung desperately to his fallen lover, as if to save him from tumbling any further into the bottomless chasm of desolation, but at the same time allowed the tears to trickle from his green eyes as he stroked his brown hair. He wanted so badly to burst into tears himself, the devastating emotions gushing forth from Ripp and touching Johnny’s heart with their deadly fingers, as if to give him a taste of the worthlessness and despair the younger man was suffering in such a dark time. Another feeling took over however, that of helplessness. Johnny wanted desperately to be able to kiss away these terrible thoughts invading Ripp’s mind, to heal his scars with a click of his fingers… anything other than to just stand by and watch as Ripp’s torments ate away at his heart. Not being able to help at all, not even through the kindest words or the tenderest touch, was the most painful form of torture the alien boy had ever endured.
Johnny quickly brushed the tears away as he felt movement from his boyfriend. Ripp’s face was saturated with tears, which Johnny reached to wipe away as he gazed sadly at him.

“Feelin’ any better?” Johnny asked.

“I guess,” Ripp shrugged in reply.

“Come on,” Johnny offered, “Let’s get home, eh?”

Ripp quietly nodded, grateful that Johnny was indeed still with him – how he needed his touch right now.

The couple walked the reasonable distance back along Road to Nowhere with their arms hooked loosely round each other’s sides. Ripp tucked himself snugly under Johnny’s arm as he began to ramble, voicing the random thoughts racing through his mind, and Johnny drank in what was being said in the hope that he would gain further insight into his troubled mind. As Johnny’s house came into view, he stopped them both as he turned to face him, taking Ripp into his arms as he lightly kissed his head.

“Listen sweetie,” Johnny told him, “I know right now you don’t believe much I’m sayin’, but I’m here for you, okay? I’ll always be here for you, I promise.”

Ripp allowed a glimmer of a smile to take hold of his mouth, his eyes closing as he felt Johnny’s lips press against his forehead.

“Kiss me,” Ripp urged, peering pleadingly into the blond boy’s green eyes.

Johnny smiled, stroking Ripp’s face before planting a tender kiss on his lips.

Ripp clung to Johnny as their mouths caressed each other, before a female voice interrupted their loving encounter.

“Hey guys,” Jenny greeted them, “I’ve been worried about you!”

“I did call to say where we were goin’,” Johnny reminded her.

“I know,” she said, “But it’s been so long…!”

“Sorry Mom,” Johnny apologised softly.

Jenny frowned at her son’s change in manner, and looked across at Ripp.

“You okay?” she asked with concern, “I saw you guys from the garden…”

Ripp’s already sore eyes stung once more as his head lowered. Johnny meanwhile looked dangerously close to blowing his cover of strength, revealing the vulnerable lower layer that struggled to be freed from its prison. It needed to be released of course, but not in front of his broken partner.

Sensing this, Jenny hooked an arm round Ripp’s shoulder and led him towards the garden, the odour of charcoal and grilled meat wafting through the air. It did little to tantalise Ripp’s appetite however, even when a burger was placed into his hands.

“Hey Johnny,” Peter greeted, his smile quickly fading on noticing his son’s tear-dampened face. Taking the food off the grill for now, he moved towards him as he spotted Jenny, who was fussing over Ripp as he struggled to eat. His attention was jolted back to Johnny at the sound of choked sobs escaping from his throat, and without another word took his son into his arms, inviting him to release the emotion he’d stored inside during the day. Johnny was only too grateful for the chance to do so, weeping into his father’s arms as he clung tightly to him.

“It’s okay,” he soothed as he stroked his scalp, holding him close. “What happened?”

It seemed to take an age before he was granted a response. As the last of the pain was flushed from Johnny’s system, he took a moment to regain some strength before replying.

“It’s Ripp,” he replied, speaking in his father’s language as he explained all that had happened before.

“Oh heavens,” Peter remarked, his eyes flickering across to the youth in the recliner.

“It hurt so much, hearing him talk like that,” Johnny continued, “Nothing I said made any difference, I feel so damn helpless…”

“Sadly, there isn’t much any of us can do,” Jenny piped up as she approached, also conversing in her husbands’ mother tongue. “If I was as far up as doctor, I’d diagnose severe depression. Perhaps even the start of a breakdown.”

“Oh hell,” Johnny moaned in despair, before gazing with pleading eyes at his mother. “Isn’t there anything anyone can do?”

“Just be there for him,” she advised, “Remind him you love him, look after him, even mother him if you have to. Just be aware that in this state of mind, no positive messages will get through to him, although of course there’s no harm in trying. Whatever negative feelings he’s usually had to deal with, they’ll be amplified so he’ll need a lot of support to deal with them.”

Johnny nodded sullenly as he took on board her advice, gazing with a loving sadness at the topic of their discussion.

“Why does it feel like it’s happening to me?” he uttered, fresh tears pricking at his eyes, “I got no reason to feel dejected, do I?”

“It’s because you’re in love,” Peter told him as he laid a hand on his shoulder, “This is part of what true love is all about, the most painful part in fact. There’s a reason marriage vows include ‘for better, for worse’.”

Johnny briefly lowered his head, before a random practical thought yanked him back to reality. Tomorrow was Tuesday, and for Johnny that meant lesson day.

“‘Scuse me a sec,” Johnny said, moving off, “I need to make a call.”

“Come on babes,” Ophelia coaxed as she nursed her boyfriend’s shoulders, “They’re all closin’ down for the day. Why don’tcha get yourself some rest, huh?”

Tank sighed irritably as he flung the pen aside, studying the scrawled figures upon the paper.

“Yeah,” he conceded, yielding to an impressive yawn as his eyes briefly closed. “Man… early night for me tonight.”

“Too right,” she agreed, accompanying him to the door. They lingered just outside in each other’s arms, savouring the warmth shared between them as Tank fought against the fatigue now rearing its ugly head.

“Thanks for everything,” he told her, gently kissing her cheek.

“No problem,” she smiled in reply, “Just remember to take it easy, huh? You’ve been through a hell of a lot these past few days.”

“Tell me about it,” he moaned, before pulling back enough to peer into her green eyes. A fond smile crept upon his face as he pulled her close, caressing her cheek as he placed a lingering goodbye kiss on her lips. The heat spread throughout his being as their lips brushed together, clutching her tightly as though she was about to slip from his grasp forever.

Reluctantly they parted, and Tank made for his new home at the Smith residence. It wasn’t long before the smell of barbecued meat drifted through the air, prompting a longing moan from the youth as his seemingly bottomless stomach reminded him it was overdue for a top-up. The aroma of food reached out to take his hand and lead him through to the garden, where Johnny was now sitting with his younger brother and chewing on a mouthful of burger.

“Here’s the other one,” Peter announced, returning to the grill and tending the meat with one hand, while simultaneously eating his own meal with the other.

“You okay?” Jenny asked as he worked.

“Tired,” Tank complained, emphasising his point with a yawn, “Hungry and generally feelin’ drained…”

“What’ve you been up to?” Peter asked, passing him a burger.

“Tryin’ to get us some help,” came the reply, “Especially that guy,” he finished, thumbing behind him at the troubled young man sitting with Johnny.

“You know what,” Peter remarked, “After all that’s happened, I think you guys would do better to take a break from school. It’s only a few more days until you break up, is it really worth it?”
Tank smiled a little as he considered his suggestion.

“You know what,” Tank replied, “I think the extra time off will be just the ticket.”

“Look sweetie,” Johnny began as he swept a stray lock of hair from Ripp’s face, “I’m gonna stay with you, okay? I’ll take the time off school…”

“Don’t skip lessons on my account,” Ripp chipped in, “You go, I’ll be fine.”

Johnny gazed sadly at his partner as he shook his head.

“Don’t make any odds to me,” he told him, “I wouldn’t be able to focus on lessons if I went.” He frowned as Ripp pulled away from him, staring at him with dismay in his eyes.

“I’m even hurting you, aren’t I?” he assumed, “All I’m ever good for is…”

Johnny silenced him as he advanced, pressing his fingers against his lips.

“You’re not hurting me,” Johnny told him, “It’s your pain that’s hurting, I’m feeling it as much as you are.”

“I don’t get it,” Ripp admitted, his head shaking from side to side as he spoke.

“It’s because I love you,” Johnny explained, “I couldn’t concentrate on lessons because I’d be worried about you. I want to help, Ripp, that’s all I swear.” He felt himself become choked with emotion as he spoke, but fought against it enough to continue. “I won’t leave you, I promise – I don’t want to leave you, I want to be here for you…”

Ripp’s eyes clouded over, as just enough of Johnny’s message filtered through to provide the helping hand he so dearly needed.

“Stay with me Johnny,” he pleaded, “Don’t leave me…”

Johnny took Ripp into his arms, strengthening his vows as he held him close.

“I won’t leave you,” he muttered into Ripp’s ear, “I’ll always be here for you, I promise. We’ll get through this somehow, no matter how long it takes.”