Chapter Twenty-one

“I really hope you can help me,” Tank replied to the voice on the other end of the phone, “I’m tryin’ to get my brother and I on some kinda therapy, and everyone’s tellin’ me to wait about a month… If we could wait that long I wouldn’t be tryin’ to get in now!”

Tank managed to calm himself enough to listen to the receptionist tied to the centre he’d contacted. He’d spotted the number while sifting through the phone book, and although his heart sank in disappointment at noting it was a mere charity-driven, drop-in service run by volunteers, by the time he decided to give them a ring he was at the end of his rope.

“Awesome,” he replied, smiling in his relief, “Thank you so much. See ya in a little while.”

Ripp had once more regressed into the subdued, child-like state he’d succumbed to before, quietly nestling into Johnny’s arms as he voiced random thoughts that ran through his mind. As before, Johnny remained in silence as he listened, holding Ripp close and letting him speak. His head rose at the sound of thundering footsteps on the stairs, his eyes resting on the cause as the muscular form quickly appeared into view.

“Come on you guys,” he ordered, “I found us somewhere.”

“Now?” Johnny asked.

“Yeah, it’s a drop-in place,” Tank explained, “We can go whenever, they just see you when they’re free.”

“Not experts though?”

“Couldn’t get any,” Tank replied with a disheartened look, “I’m past carin’ though, so long as someone’ll talk to us, you know?”

“Yeah,” Johnny agreed, tapping Ripp’s leg as he pulled them to their feet. “Come on babes, let’s go.”

For someone who was usually outspoken and sociable, Buzz was strangely quiet as he collected his lunch. With all he’d discovered recently, he was in no mood to tolerate army-talk from his fellow soldiers, deliberately choosing a table that was some way from the rest of the troops as they dined. It didn’t stop people joining his table though, he noticed dryly as a voice disturbed him from his meal.

“Mind if I sit here?”

Buzz opened his mouth about to tell whoever it was that he’d rather be alone, but on gazing up at the enquiring man he quickly closed it.

Instead he nodded as he returned to his meal, grateful for some understanding company. He knew that also meant a high likelihood of more pressing questions, but he reminded himself of the reason why they’d be asked. It didn’t ease the tightening knot in his stomach, however.

Stephan watched him eat for a moment as he took a seat next to him, before gently beginning their conversation.

“How’re things?” he asked, noting the attire of his superior as he continued, “I gather it didn’t go too well yesterday?”

“Oh, it went very well considering,” Buzz replied, “I only got suspended. I was half-expecting to get discharged.”

“Wow,” Stephan remarked, his eyes widening in surprise at his reply, “That bad, huh?”

Buzz’s head lowered briefly as he began to pick at the contents of his bowl.

“Yeah,” he uttered, “It could’ve gone a lot worse.”

“What happened?”

Buzz gave a knowing sigh as he pondered how best to answer.

“I had a big disagreement at home,” he replied carefully, “One of my kids pushed me too far, and things got out of hand…”

Stephan swallowed a difficult morsel of food as a picture began to take shape in his mind.

“Don’t ever have a family if you stay in the army,” Buzz told him, “You may make a great soldier, but kiss your dreams of fatherhood goodbye ‘cause you’ll only fuck it up.”

“Only if you let it happen,” Stephan replied but, as much as he didn’t mean to, he only served to worsen Buzz’s mood.

“It ain’t just me, that’s the problem,” Buzz explained, “I didn’t even turn out as bad as my dad apparently – army life has been a family tradition. I’m starting to wish it wasn’t; maybe my eldest saw it comin’. Turned out he resented me for trying to keep it going, but he never said anything before…” Buzz let the sadness and regret overwhelm him as he continued to drift, willing the tears to come, yet at the same time knowing the taps behind his eyes had long rusted over.

“Maybe he didn’t dare to,” he mused, giving a weak shrug, “All this time he was playing the part while underneath he was crying… or wished he could. Dad always taught me tears are for the weak...”

Stephan had remained quiet, but couldn’t contain the snort of disapproval at the last remark.

“I dunno where he got that from,” Stephan retorted, “Crying is a natural human reflex, it’s how we flush out our pain. It’s like a poison; it needs getting rid of, keep it inside and it destroys you.”

“I know,” Buzz admitted, “So much for Dad knows best, huh?”

“How many kids do you have?”

“Three,” Buzz replied, “Tank’s the oldest at sixteen, Ripp’s a year younger and Buck’s the youngest at ten.”

“Which one’s the reason you’re in trouble?”

“Ripp,” Buzz responded with a heavy heart, “I got a punchbag upstairs, I usually go to that when it gets too much, but for some reason I didn’t this time. He’s pushed me before, but thinking about it I don’t even know why anymore…”

Stephan studied his body language intently as he spoke, before delivering his verdict on the matter.

“Look, you obviously regret it,” he reassured him, “That’s gotta be a good thing, right?”

“Yeah,” Buzz agreed, wrestling valiantly with the rusted taps as he tried to gain even the slightest momentum in the handles, but still not seeing so much as a droplet of water. “At least I didn’t kill him.”

“Kill?” Stephan echoed, wondering where this statement had come from. “You don’t mean literally, I hope?”

“I know, it sounds crazy,” Buzz concurred, “But according to the chief, that’s just what Dad did once. Who I don’t know…” He trailed off as he clamped down on his tongue. “Sorry, I’m talking too much…”

“Hey, it’s cool,” Stephan smiled, “We’re friends, right? Or, at least, it seems you took me up on the offer,” he hastily added.

Buzz gave a little smile as he nodded.

“Sure,” he found himself accepting, “It’s been a long time since anyone’s wanted to listen, guess I’m just not used to it.”

Stephan smiled reassuringly in reply, laying a hand on his arm, and before he could stop himself he gave it a subtle squeeze. He removed his hand as soon as he realised, hoping that the suspended general hadn’t noticed anything amiss.

It wasn’t Buzz he need have been worried about, but the scrutinising eyes of his fellow soldiers instead.

“Whoa,” one of them remarked, “Did you see that?”

“Sure did,” another replied, “You know what they say; you play with fire, you’re gonna get burnt…”

“Just hope for his sake Grunt didn’t suspect anything,” yet another man mused, “The guy’s gonna pulverise him if he did.”

Much to Stephan’s relief, it was apparent that the clouds of despair and guilt were so thick they stifled the general’s ability to judge or reason. Buzz merely gave a faint smile as he idly gazed at where the younger man’s hand had rested before, again allowing himself to drift.

“You know my biggest regret?” he asked before continuing with his answer, “The way I treated Ripp, when he takes so much after his mom… maybe I just couldn’t handle the compassion they showed, ‘cause I’ve been so used to violence and anger… The way he ‘pushed’ when all he was really trying to do was crack the shell… and what’s the thanks I give him? A broken wrist, a bruised face and a battered soul…”

“Any reason you’re thinking about this now?” Stephan asked, resisting the urge to touch him again. He would mean it only in a friendly, comforting way of course, but he couldn’t trust himself to not give any stronger hints at the affection he was already beginning to feel for the tormented man. That feeling only intensified as Buzz turned to him in delivering his answer.

“You remind me of him,” he uttered with despair in his eyes, “It takes a guy I’ve seen around once or twice for me to wonder how I could be such an ass to my own son…”

“Guess it’s easier to see in strangers,” Stephan suggested, losing the battle with himself as he again laid a hand on his arm. “It’s also human nature to reject the unknown, resist change… yet deep down you know change needs to happen, don’t you?”

Buzz solemnly nodded as he pushed away his empty bowl.

“I know I can’t go on like this,” he added, “Love is something else we all crave, and I need to learn to accept it when it’s offered, in whatever form. Ripp’s a smart kid, but I drove him off the rails because I wouldn’t accept him…”

Stephan took his hand from Buzz’s arm and moved it across his shoulder.

“Did you get put on any kind of programme?” he asked gently, “‘Cause it sounds like you really need it.”

“Yeah, I did,” Buzz replied, “Got my first session later today. In fact I’m already starting to wonder if we’ll have long enough.”

“Well, make the most of what you do have,” Stephan advised him, “And if you need to talk in the meantime, I’ll be happy to listen.”

Buzz looked across at him as lunch ended, and the blond soldier began to rise. He gave a little nod and a weak smile before replying.

“Thanks,” he uttered.

Stephan clutched his hand in a parting gesture, again laying the other hand on his arm and letting his touch linger a little too long. Once more he released his grip as he noticed, hoping that the general wouldn’t as he left.

Buzz watched the young man as he went on his way, gazing warmly after him as he sub-consciously stroked his arm.

“Where do they all come from?” he questioned no one in particular, his mind beginning to wander as he continued his musing silently.

Does someone up there really think I’m worthy of all these chances they keep giving me?

Don’t push your luck Mister. You’ve had two chances already – this is your last one. Whatever you do, for God’s sake don’t blow it, you won’t be so lucky again!

“Are you nuts?” one of the men exclaimed as they trained in the gym, “You’re so lucky to make it back in one piece!”

“What’re you on about?” Stephan quizzed, “We just had lunch together, what’s the big deal?”

“You hit on General Grunt?!” another spluttered, “Do you have a death wish or somethin’?”

Stephan sighed as he eyed the offender coolly.

“He was upset so I put an arm round him, so what?”

“Let your hand linger a little too long for that, didn’t you…?”

“Will you cut it out?” Stephan snapped, “Can’t even eat with the man without being spied on!?”

“Just be careful,” one of the soldiers warned, “If he gets the wrong idea he’ll rip you apart.”

Stephan remained quiet, but inside his thoughts ran wild. There were two ways this could go, he considered; either the general didn’t notice – that seemed the more obvious choice. The other was that he did notice, but wasn’t who he appeared to be.

Tank found the receptionist and explained the phone call he’d placed earlier, while Ripp and Johnny stood a small distance away as they looked about themselves. Johnny eyed the fragile youth with a fond sadness as he ran his fingers through his brown hair. Tank gave his thanks to the lady before joining them, laying a reassuring hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“We got long to wait?” Johnny asked.

“Don’t think so,” Tank replied, “They said some other kids are in at the moment, but that they’ve been in there a good while already.”

Johnny nodded in acknowledgement, and both gazed upon the sullen boy who stood between them.

“It’ll be okay sweetie,” Johnny told him gently, draping a comforting arm across his shoulders. Ripp merely snuggled into his chest as he continued to nibble at his fingernails.

“Jus’ like when we were little all over again,” Tank mused as he watched him, “He used to be like that with Mom, when things started goin’ bad.”

All three pairs of ears pricked up on the sound of movement and opening doors. A glimmer of recognition shone in their faces at noticing the teenage girl who left one room, her manner very unlike the last time they met. In fact, they noticed, the black streaks upon her cheeks hinted that there was more to the girl than the spiteful outer layer she had displayed previously.

Lilith’s eyes darted between the three boys before her, hastily brushing away the stained marks from her face before her gaze rested upon the bundle in Johnny’s arms. He looked so different now, she observed, so... vulnerable.

The other room emptied of its previous occupants, heads instinctively turning at the sound of a door latch. A young man of no more than Tank’s age stepped into the lobby looking just as unhappy, although to one in particular that was the least of his concerns.

Ripp stiffened, swallowing a lump in his throat as his eyes locked onto the flame haired lad before them. As the boy returned his stare, his expression also changed as he began to awkwardly adjust his footing.

Tank and Johnny found themselves looking from one to the other, trying to interpret the body language adopted by the two boys who plainly had met before. Under which circumstances was the obvious question, although it didn’t take long before they realised what had happened between them.

The older boys’ eyes narrowed as they found themselves slowly turning back to Ripp, who had adopted the manner of a frightened animal.

“Um, Ripp?” Johnny began, already sure of the answer but checking anyway. “Is this...?”

The little nod given in reply was all it took to send Tank into a flying rage, snarling like an angered lion as he swiftly swooped upon the red headed youth and roughly grabbed him by the shirt, pinning him against the nearby wall.

“Bastard!!” he roared as he did so.

“Tank!” Johnny cried out, but to no avail. He made instinctive movements in the direction of the scuffle that had unfolded, yet his hand remained pinned to Ripp’s shoulder as he looked back at him; as much as he needed to intervene in the nasty situation with Tank, the sight of his younger lover was enough to anchor him to his side.

“It’s okay,” he whispered as he stroked his head, “He can’t hurt you.”

As Johnny held Ripp close however, he eyed the bickering boys in the distance helplessly as his mind raced.

True, but Tank can hurt him. I just hope someone can step in before he turns this place into a bloodbath. I’d gladly do it myself but I can’t leave Ripp like this...